


But Anri came fifth and won a toaster

by xanemarths



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Shin Ankoku Ryuu to Hikari no Ken | Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon, Fire Emblem: Shin Monshō no Nazo | Fire Emblem: New Mystery of the Emblem
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Gen, NSFW dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 18:54:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9137074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanemarths/pseuds/xanemarths
Summary: And Gotoh said unto Anri, “Anri!”And Anri replied, “What.”The heroic tale of how Anri rose to the challenge, took the Sword of the Divine Dragon, and slayed Medeus, told in an entirely unheroic way.





	

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry

It was the land before time, before there were seven nations to shit on dragons of darkness. And thus, when the Dragon of Darkness, Medeus, came, it caused quite the riot.

“Oh shit,” said the people.

“Fuck yeah,” said the dragons.

For, long before, the however many nations had decided to shit on dragons in general, and to the dragons, this was just their extreme method of revenge.

“Don’t fight hate with hate uwu” the humans said.

“How did you say that emote out loud,” asked the dragons.

Fortunately, not all dragons hated humans, and by not all was meant maybe a handful, if not less. And one of these dragons was dead set on a literal divine mission to save the world.

In the year roughly 100 B.M. (before Marth), the Divine Dragon Gotoh appeared in glory before Anri, son of peasants, born to an island that could not even be called a nation.

And Gotoh said unto Anri, “Anri!”

 

And Anri replied, “What.”

Gotoh said to Anri, “come forth, and receive the Divine Sword, forged from the tooth of the Divine Dragon Naga, presented unto mankind in hopes that in their darkest hour, a hero will arise to wield it and rend the darkness overtaking the land!”

But Anri came fifth, and won a toaster.

However, Gotoh persisted, and he decided to give Anri a second chance. “You shall undergo a series of trials then, instead. If you manage to surpass them all, and join me in the Ice Dragon Temple, then I shall present you with the sword.”

“Do I have to?” asked Anri.

Gotoh presented him with the vision of a beautiful maiden. “She is Artemis, Queen of Archanea. You will fall in love with her, and you will undertake this journey in order that you may save her from Medeus.”

“She’s hot,” Anri admitted. “Do we bang after all this?”

“No, for the two of you cannot be wed, as you are a commoner and she is a Queen of Archanea, and no nobleman would consent to the wedding. Instead she will be married to Duke Cartas, as a result of what will be called ‘Artemis’ Curse’ upon the Fire Emblem, but what is really just the curse of the thief who stole the damn Shield in the first place.”

“Damn,” said Anri. “Do I at least get descendants?”

“Yes.”

 

“Swe-”

“From your younger brother’s side of the family.”

“Fuck me.”

“No, thank you.”

“...”  
\--  
In the end, Anri decided he had nothing better to do that day, and he followed Gotoh through sand, sun, and lava.

“This is just a much condensed version of Anakin Skywalker’s life,” he commented idly as he stared deep into the lava. “If I fall in, do I get sickass robotic limbs?”

“No, because we are in medieval times, and sickass robotic limbs do not exist in this time period.”

“That’s fair,” said Anri.  
\--  
“Do we really have to cross through this ice?”

Gotoh leaned on his stave, raising an eyebrow. “Where did you think that an ‘Ice Dragon Temple’ would be?”

“Dunno, but speaking as a native Floridian, this is about a hundred degrees too cold.”

“Florida does not exist yet, not even as the basest concept in anyone’s mind. Try again.”

“I don’t know what you fucking want from me,” Anri complained. “It’s some god-forsaken island in the middle of the sea. They don’t even grow oranges, I guess. It’s just me and my farm, growing wine grapes, and then the rest of it is all tea.”

 

“Altea?” Gotoh asked.

“All tea. Yeah. That’s what the island is.”

“Well, then, Anri of Altea, I do humbly greet you at the door of the Ice Dragon Temple.”

“Sweet,” said Anri, before entering. There, in the middle of the temple’s entrance, stood a sword, embedded in a block of ice so thick and so cold that Anri could hardly see the sword’s blade inside. “Is this, like, enchanted? Can only the one, true wielder of the Falchion hope to draw the blade from its ice, and thus use it for the good of all against Medeus?”

Gotoh shook his head. “No, no, it was just a nice chunk of ice, and I did not have a scabbard.”

“Oh.”

It was then that Gotoh called out, into the depths of the Temple’s chambers, and there emerged a young dragon, like he, who had cast away xir own dragonstone. For a moment, xe looked pissed off; then xe saw the human.

Xe then looked perhaps fifty times more pissed off.

“What’s he doin’ here?”

“Xane, this is Anri. Anri, Xane. Xane, please take Anri and Falchion back to Dolhr, ensuring both his safety and his victory over Medeus.”

And Xane said no.

“Will you at least clean your room?”

And Xane, of course, said no.

Anri was, by this point, very confused.

“Teenagers, amirite?” Gotoh asked, leaning on Anri’s shoulder. “It’s like nailing jello to a tree, you know.”

“No?” said Anri, leaning away.

“Oh, right. I forgot that you don’t have any direct descendants. You are lu-”

“No, it’s because this is goddamn medieval times and we are not supposed to know what jello is.”

\--

And so Anri was sent on his merry way, warping through Archanea at 186,000 miles per second. He arrived in Dolhr instantly, and promptly lost his cookies on Medeus’ feet.

“Ew,” said Medeus, who really wished these cookies had been chocolate chip, instead.

“He is my hero,” said Artemis. “How can I not fuck him?”

Duke Cartas looked at her. “He is a peasant and it is forbidden by Archanean law.”

“Damnit,” said Artemis, choosing to ignore that she was queen and that after this, Anri would be considered the founder of Altean nobility, making him the hottest catch about the land.

“Okay,” said Anri, “I’m just going to stab you with this sword now, okay?”

“You fool,” said Medeus, “No man can kill-”

But Anri had already stabbed him, and Medeus keeled over, dead.

Cheers ran through the crowds, a celebration was hosted in every nation and soon to be nation, and Anri was crowned first king of Altea.

In the chaos, he looked to a rocky ridge, and saw, briefly, a red-headed teen staring at him. The teen saw him staring, and put up xir middle finger at him.

It was a brief moment of perfect, almost prophetic clarity. “You say that now, but one of these days, you will meet my descendant, and you will marry them.”

The other middle finger was put up at him, and Anri watched as Xane faced him and walked backwards into hell, or the void, or wherever xe came from.

**Author's Note:**

> There's so many references ask if you want a list.


End file.
